GRANDMOTHER, 95, BECOMES FIRST PERSON TO WALK ACROSS ANTARCTICA IN SLIPPERS

SCIENTISTS DISCOVER THIRD NOSTRIL. MEDICAL COMMUNITY DIVIDED.

Man claims he can smell the future.

GENEVA — Scientists have confirmed the existence of a fully functioning third nostril in a 34-year-old Slovenian man who claims the additional opening allows him to smell events before they happen.

“It comes in waves,” said Marko Petrovic. “Sometimes I smell rain before it happens. Other times, I can smell disappointment.”

Researchers have urged the public not to jump to conclusions.

ALIENS BEGIN COMMUNICATING THROUGH DENTAL FILLINGS

“It started as a tiny buzzing,” says first recorded recipient.

NEW MEXICO — Scientists are investigating reports that extraterrestrial civilizations have begun transmitting messages through ordinary dental fillings.

The first confirmed recipient, a 42-year-old accountant, initially mistook the transmissions for a faulty refrigerator.

Researchers believe the messages may contain detailed instructions, although preliminary translations suggest the aliens are primarily interested in speaking to someone about an extended warranty.

SPHINX BREAKS 4,500-YEAR SILENCE. EXPERTS CONCERNED.

“They were far ahead of us,” say archaeologists.

CAIRO — Archaeologists working at the Giza plateau have reported an unprecedented development after the Great Sphinx allegedly spoke for the first time in approximately 4,500 years.

According to witnesses, the ancient monument surveyed the surrounding landscape before asking, “Is this really what you've done with the place?”

Egyptian authorities have declined to comment. A second statement from the Sphinx is not expected.

COWS REFUSE TO LEAVE AFTER UFO LANDING

Local farmers say milk production has increased by 300% since the incident.

NORMANDY, FRANCE — Farmers are reporting unusual developments following the landing of an unidentified flying object in a pasture outside a small Normandy village.

Although the spacecraft departed after approximately 40 minutes, the cows have refused to leave the field.

“They just stand there looking at the sky,” said local farmer Jean-Pierre Moreau. “I’ve tried everything. Even opening the gate.”

Milk production has reportedly tripled, although laboratory analysis suggests the milk may contain trace amounts of an unidentified element.

Scientists have advised against drinking it until further notice.

The cows have declined to cooperate.

OCTOPUS PAINTINGS SELL FOR RECORD PRICES

Marine artist’s work hailed as “profound, moody and surprisingly optimistic.”

TOKYO — An octopus named Hiro has become one of the world’s most sought-after contemporary artists following the sale of three abstract paintings for a combined $180,000.

Hiro, who works exclusively underwater, is known for his unconventional technique and refusal to attend gallery openings.

“He has an extraordinary command of color,” said Tokyo art dealer Kenji Watanabe. “Although we have been unable to determine whether he knows he’s painting.”

Collectors have praised the artist’s emotional depth and unusually fluid brushwork.

Hiro’s latest exhibition sold out in eleven minutes.

The artist has since retreated beneath a rock and is refusing interviews.

STUDY FINDS SEASHELLS SIGNIFICANTLY IMPROVE MENTAL HEALTH

“The ocean is always there to listen,” says lead researcher.

COPENHAGEN — Researchers have announced that regularly holding seashells to one’s ear may significantly reduce stress and improve emotional well-being.

In a six-month study involving 800 volunteers, participants who listened to seashells for ten minutes daily reported feeling calmer, more optimistic, and considerably less interested in attending meetings.

“We believe the sound creates a powerful sense of connection with the natural world,” explained Dr. Ingrid Larsen.

One participant reported that his seashell had begun offering unsolicited career advice.

Researchers have dismissed the claim, although the woman has since resigned from his job and moved to Portugal.